Warning from publisher to reader:

At HarperCollins, we are committed to customer satisfaction. Before proceeding with your purchase, please take the following questionnaire:

1. Which of the following do you appreciate? A Women with somewhat horse-ish facial features.
B Women who, while not super Jew-y, are more identifiably Jewish than, say, Natalie Portman.
C Frequent discussion of unwanted body hair.

2. Are you offended by the following behavior? A Instructing one's grandmother to place baked goods in her rectal cavity.
B Stripping naked in public--eleven times in a row.
C Stabbing one's boss in the head with a writing implement.

3. The best way to treat an emotionally fragile young girl is: A Murder the main course of her Thanksgiving dinner before her very eyes.
B Tell her that her older sister is prettier than she, and then immediately die.
C Prevent her suicide by recommending she stay away from open windows.